Twelve step program sponsorship is broken. In its current state it rarely works very well. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself, what is a sponsor and what do they do?  Chances are, you won’t be able to answer this with any certainty. The reason is that there is no “approved” answer. There are a few publications that address this issue, but they are rarely read or known about because they’re not endorsed by the 12 step organizations and therefore carry no validation to most people.

In my observations, there are major misconceptions out there about what a sponsor is. “Sponsors” have gained an irrational and undeserved trust like a counselor or therapist would have. Most people would say, “Have you talked to your sponsor about this” or “You should call your sponsor”. Do they know this person? Is the sponsor qualified to give valuable input? It’s not just people in recovery though. The whole system is indoctrinated with this trust including parents/loved ones, counselors, therapists, judges, probation officers and drug courts.

In this article we are going to go over what a sponsor is, what a sponsor isn’t and the problems that come with assumptions people make. With the lack of definition and clarity there is are clearly some problems surrounding sponsorship.

First, what is a sponsor?

  1. one who presents a candidate for baptism or confirmation and undertakes responsibility for the person’s religious education or spiritual welfare
  2. one who assumes responsibility for some other person or thing
  3. a person or an organization that pays for or plans and carries out a project or activity
    especially: one that pays the cost of a radio or television program usually in return for advertising time during its course.

As you can see, no traditional definition encompasses what most people would describe a sponsor to be. You can sort of see a correlation in number 1 & 2 above, but most people know a sponsor does not assume responsibility for the newcomer.

What is an AA sponsor?

Before we can talk about what’s wrong with sponsorship, we need to talk about what an A.A. sponsor ACTUALLY IS. The primary and well-known book of A.A. is the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” and is often referred to as the “Big Book”. This book is broken in to two main sections. The first 164 pages are the “basic text” or the text book section. This is the educational portion of the book and would be considered the guide on how to get sober. The rest of the book consists of stories of other alcoholic’s journeys. The words sponsor, sponsee or sponsorship are not included anywhere in the basic text. The first mention of the word “sponsor” isn’t until page 220 (the fifth story titled “The Vicious Cycle”).

As we stated above there is no definition, explanation or reference to the word sponsor in the basic text of A.A.. There is however an A.A. approved pamphlet that speaks of sponsorship. Across multiple statements in that 30-page pamphlet – Questions & Answers on Sponsorship, what a sponsor is can be summed up in the following statement.

A sponsor is actually this:

An understanding and sympathetic member of A.A. who has made some progress in recovery.

What does a sponsor do?

A sponsor will share experience with you individually, adjust to a life without alcohol and introduce you to other A.A. members.

Not quite what you thought it was is it?

Sponsorship Prerequisites:
“Must have made some progress in the recovery program”

Suggested Sponsor Qualities:
“Select an A.A. member with whom you can feel comfortable, someone with whom you can talk freely and confidentially.”

AA Further Mentions “Sponsor” in the Following Statements.

  1. “Essentially, the process of sponsorship is this: An alcoholic who has made some progress in the recovery program shares that experience on a continuous, individual basis with another alcoholic who is attempting to attain or maintain sobriety through A.A.”
  2. “Sponsorship can also mean the responsibility the group as a whole has for helping the newcomer.”
  3. “Sponsorship responsibility is unwritten and informal, but it is a basic part of the A.A. Approach to recovery from alcoholism through the Twelve Steps.”
  4. “Sponsorship is Twelfth Step work, but it is also continuing responsibility for helping a newcomer adjust to a way of life without alcohol.”
  5. “Sponsorship gives the newcomer an understanding, sympathetic friend when one is needed most.”
  6. “Sponsorship also provides the bridge enabling the new person to meet other alcoholics – in a home group and in other groups visited.”
  7. “Most A.A.’s feel that sponsorship is a vital part of their ongoing growth and progress in recovery, including persons who have long-term sobriety”
  8. “With a sponsor’s help, we can use the program to the full, change our attitudes, and, in the process, come to enjoy our sobriety.”

Sponsorship IS NOT:
A 12 step call – visiting an alcoholic who has asked for help and talking about the A.A. program with him or her – may become the beginning of sponsorship, but by itself is not necessarily sponsorship.

The Problems

Anonymity

Lack of definition and description

Assumptions & Trust

Common Scenario 1: Sick Sponsors
Person is under pressure from loved one or court order to find and have a sponsor. Person goes to the meeting and quickly finds someone they relate to. They ask them to be their sponsor. The sponsor asks them some questions (maybe), there is a little conversation and a time to call or meet is set up. See the problem? Usually when you get sober you are not the most mentally fit person. They are going to be attracted to the person most like them and that is not going to promote change. Sponsor is rocking with the same behaviors and character defects as the person being sponsored. What kind of advise do you think they are going to get?

Now the person goes back to the wife/husband, judge or probation officer and says, “I have a sponsor and we are meeting this week”. Requirement fulfilled! Other than sometimes getting a piece of paper signed by someone, there is no pressure to get guidance from anyone with any knowledge in recovery.

Common Scenario 2: Busy Sponsors
Person is on FIRE for a new way of life. The pick the most spiritual and insightful person that speaks up in the meeting. They ask them to sponsor them and POOF, now they have a sponsor. They meet up a few times to do some step-work, go to some meetings and everything is looking good from the outside. A couple of weeks in the sponsor has out of town work, a vacation or to much going on. They stop replying to texts in a timely manor and don’t answer the phone. Even if they do refer the sponsee to someone else who has the time, the sponsee is reluctant. They felt they had a bond. They trusted that sponsor and don’t want to start over with someone they don’t know, usually has less sober/clean time and does not have the kind of life they want.

Common Scenario 3: Predators
Now this one is purely observation. I have no documentation of this. Many people in recovery are scavengers. They have learned how to get what they want and just because they are sober now does not mean the predatory behaviors have stopped.

  • (13-Step) Sponsor wants to take advantage of you sexually. Is your sponsor the opposite sex or homosexual? There is no requirement here.
  • Sponsor wants to take advantage of you financially. Cheap labor. Not very many people come into the program with a bunch of money but there are those who have affluent families, trust funds or just haven’t lost it all yet.

I could easily come up with at least 5 more VERY COMMON SCENARIO’s, but I think your seeing my point. You might say, “Well that’s up to them. They had a choice”. Ya, they did. But what did you expect?! See how easy it is to just brush it off as someone else’s problem? Remember, I called these a “COMMON SCENARIO” for a reason. I see these happen ALL THE TIME…

Analogy:

If you have a son or daughter who’s on a little league sports team like basketball, football or baseball. Usually these coaches are volunteers and have no formal training as a coach, but you trust them to a certain extent. There is no competitive drive or mindset necessary and at least the kids are having fun. In most cases ignorance is bliss here. Now if you are an ex-player or coach your going to see the inaccuracies, but if your an outsider you don’t know the difference. What if you wanted your kid to go pro? Wouldn’t you take it a little more seriously? Maybe make sure to put them on a winning team with an experienced coach. Maybe you would hire someone for private lessons. Maybe you would take the time to read up on internet articles to educate yourself (wink-wink). Sponsorship is the same idea. The difference is that many times we are dealing with a difference of life or death.

Asking a sports team to function without a coach. Someone who actually cares. Someone who actually guides the players and is invested in their success. Since there is actually NO STANDARD DEFINITION, there’s A LOT of confusion around this for most people in early recovery and ESPECIALLY those family members and friends not in the program.

In closing:

Wrapping It Up:

I don’t have any studies, but I think this sponsorship issue might have something to do with the current recovery rate being at an all time low. Something like one or two percent of people that try to get sober actually achieve a notable length of sobriety. Take a look at my stance on treatment centers and what’s wrong with going to treatment. There you will find some major unspoken problems.

Admittedly this post paints AA as some sort of wonky hodgepodge program. AA is a wonderful program and has saved more lives than I think anyone can count. It was my 12 step program of choice for many years. I am in no way stating that there isn’t a TON of value nor am I giving you some excuse to not become a member. The program does have some issues though, but doesn’t everything? Especially a program with millions of members. This article was meant to be a bit abrasive. I wrote it to document, challenge and teach. I am simply stating a major gap between what I believe the founders and original members intended and how things are currently done. Embrace the good and dismiss the bad.

The program of A.A. is approaching 100 years old. It is well established and highly regarded. Why isn’t there an easy answer to “What is a sponsor” and “What does a sponsor do”? A.A. cannot improve. I believe the organization is afraid to change anything but that doesn’t mean that things shouldn’t be changed. The truth is that the A.A. program has helped many people. BUT, isn’t it a bit negligent to ignore all of the things we have learned over the last 85+ years we have been studying addiction?

Additional Notes

If you have made it this far into the article and want to keep reading, I have some additional thoughts.

For the 5 exceptional sponsors that read this… I mean no harm. You are doing a great job! But I think we can agree that 90% or more of those willing to sponsor out there have less than two years sober and are still “getting the hang of things” to put it gently. They are in no position to be a mentor or guide beyond working the steps with the newcomer. I realize there are exceptions to what I am stating here, but they are far and few between and not the norm.

At this point you might be saying “Nic, This is just how things are. It’s kept many people sober since it’s inception.” Well, that is the basis of my argument. If what I am saying makes sense, and there is validity to it, then WHY are we not doing something about it? Well, dammit… in my little world i’m going to!

“Nic, why don’t you write a guide on how to be a good sponsor instead of writing this post”. I’ve done that here. To that I would say, I have been preaching this for years. The system in place is the system. If its to change its going to take a MAJOR movement and most people just accept this status quo. I might write a post though…

If this is such a problem, then why hasn’t it been addressed in the last 50-80 years that recovery has been around? We talk about some of this in “Whats wrong with AA” but maybe its ignorant bliss. If we don’t talk about it then there isn’t an issue.

Mentor

A good mentor should be respected, appreciated and cherished. If you do find a good sponsor, hold on to them. Show them your appreciation. Encourage that behavior so they will be motivated to work with others the same way they worked with you.

Some Solutions:

The state of Louisiana has a sort of resolution for this. Its called a peer support specialist. These are somewhat vetted and educated people with minimum requirements. They are not associated with AA though and the program is expensive and difficult to get access to. They should rename it to Trusted Sponsors.

Movie portrayal:
Have you ever seen how sponsors are portrayed in movies? No wonder people are confused.

“Blood Father” The sponsor risks his life and ultimately dies trying to help his sponsee. That is certainly not the norm. This kind or portrayal adds to the confusion. In addition, there are alcohol and addiction related websites that claim to define what a sponsor is suggesting that they are a senior member of the recovery community and some kind of guru. Again, in reality it’s nothing like that.

“Fight Club” are more accurate. The sponsor “Bob” gets involved in the nefarious activities because the people he surrounded himself with are toxic.

“Clean and Sober” – 1988 is how sponsorship used to be. Unfortunately it is rarely that helpful these days.

“28 days”

“Mr Brooks” – His sponsor is an alter ego and encourages him to continue his addictive behavior.

“Everything Must Go” – Sleeping with his wife